Since Houston has just passed through another "key" election cycle I think it's time to update the truly old Houston Political Dictionary to reflect the new political realities within the city. If you've not been previously exposed to this it's probable that a small explanation is in order.
First, this is NOT a dictionary. It's a satirical dictionary in the tradition of Voltaire and Samuel Johnson. Nor should it be inferred that the definitions included below are accurate at any future time other then when I wrote them down. Nor is this intended to be an all-encompassing look at Houston Politics, but a snap-shot of Houston's political landscape as it stands right now.
Items in italics will be defined elsewhere.
So, without further ado.....
A.
Academia: A self-perpetuating lie whose only goal in life is to create a false-need for more academia.
It is important not to confuse academia with academics as the two have little in common.
Access: Politicians love to talk about access in abstract but rarely try to grant it in practice. Becoming "a part" of the political system means casting your vote for them and shutting up afterwards. Inconveniences such as FOIA requests or public meetings are considered passé by the ruling class and are annoyances to be avoided by the dual mechanisms of inconvenient scheduling of public meetings and high fees. It is important to note that access suffers from the duality of being "promised for all" at the voting booth but is actually granted to only the courtesans of the ruling class when the actual workings of government are concerned.
Accommodation, Special: See: HER Ordinance
Ad Valorem: Your property taxes. Which will continue to increase as long as the State's crazy appraisal system is allowed to continue.
Adrian Garcia: Increasingly, Sheila Jackson Lee's lap-dog. Garcia was, recently, the Democrat holding the highest elected office in Harris County. He threw all of that away for an ill-fated run to be Houston Mayor and is now saddled with running against Democratic (Caucasian) Congressman Gene Green, for the District 29th seat. Garcia is doing this because he is now beholden to Ms. Jackson-Lee and must follow her lead to repair the damage him leaving office to challenge Sylvester Turner has caused him.
Annise Parker:
1. The outgoing Mayor of Houston who, famously, was the first "Lesbian elected Mayor of a major metropolitan city". This has repeatedly been held up as proof of Houston's Diversity and World Classiness and is used repeatedly as a cudgel to beat over the heads of anyone who dare mentions that Ms. Parker's actual governance of the City was historically pretty bad.
2. A new descriptor for messing up the wording on legislation and/or ballot language. Example:
"Boy, they really "Annise Parkered" that bill. It's so bad the courts are requiring they rewrite it."
Appraisals: Guesses based on scant information treated as Gospel Truth by the ruling class.
Astrodome: The victory of romanticism over historical accuracy.
Seemingly EVERYONE has a "Dome Memory" which doesn't involve the aging hulk being a nightmare to get to, a rather sterile venue and containing a playing surface that turned the elbows of those who played on it into ground beef. Despite it's many problems, NRG stadium and Minute Maid Park are MUCH better sports venues for their respective teams than was the multi-purpose Dome. Yet Houston, a town who's suddenly decided that getting stuck in the past is better than moving forward, has discovered that doing the humane thing and tearing the old girl down is something that no-one wants on their resume. That the biggest supporters of keeping the structure standing are feral cats should surprise no one.
Astroturf: 1.) A horrid idea for a playing field on which athletic contests could be held indoors. 2.) A meaningless political term when one side of the ruling class wishes to ignore the outrage of citizens on the side of the other.
B.
Battleground Texas: Proof that, in Texas politics, failure can equal success if the bar is set low enough.
Bayou City: The worst, and least accurate, nickname for a city who can't seem to settle on one.
Beautification: An excuse for the ruling class to spend large amounts of taxpayer monies in order to partake in trinket governance in an effort to buy votes.
Beer: Victory Gin given increased appeal due to the rise of the locavore movement.
Bill Frazer: See Bill King
Bill King: The latest in a long list of center-right hopefuls for public office to be undone by the relatively weak ground-game of the Harris County Republican Party.
Bill White: The victory of historical perspective over fact.
During Bill White's term as Mayor he had what were, at the time, considered to be long-term successes. Fast forward to today and almost all of them are gone. SAFEClear? Shuttered. His "fix" for the pension system? Just a kicking of the can down the road. But the Bill White Administration is viewed fondly despite their being a dearth of actual long-term successes. Part of this is because the administration of Lee P. Brown before White and Annise Parker after him were so horrid. By comparison he seems OK.
Blogs: A failed experiment in citizen journalism that fell under the weight of the inherent need of political bloggers to be granted an audience by the ruling class.
There was a time, in Houston believe it or not, when the political blogosphere exerted some influence regarding the goings-on at City Hall. Bill White, during his push for city-wide, free, Wi-Fi, held a blogger conference call to attempt to drum up support. What happened next was a case study in how not to sustain a movement. As both the Republicans and Democrats realized that there was a free pool of publicity existing in the blogosphere they started inviting bloggers to conventions and other official events where campaign staffers and candidates provided bloggers with attention and showered them with praise. What this meant is that the blogosphere morphed from citizen journalism to house organs for their respective political parties. In effect, the old Houston blogosphere was consumed by TheMachine.
Bond Elections: Rubber stamps for spending priorities of the ruling class due to interest by TheMachine.
Budgets: More guidelines than rules. Mundane fiscal policy that have been turned into moral documents by failed members of the ruling class such as Chris Bell.
Buffalo Bayou: Exhibit A for Houston's inferiority complex.
When you think of how the ruling class views Buffalo Bayou it only makes sense if you run it through the prism of the San Antonio Riverwalk. Houston desperately wants a destination in the central core of the city that has an air of world classiness about it and, for now, Buffalo Bayou is the torch-bearer. It is a sentimental replacement for Discovery Green, The Museum District and The Theatre District in the hearts and minds of those who envision a Houston that simply doesn't exist.
Burglary: A crime, of property, that is only illegal when performed by citizens, but it entirely legal when performed by the ruling class.
Bus Rapid Transit: A mass transit solution that satisfies no one, but is listed as a critical need despite all evidence to the contrary.
C.
Campaign: Legalized, political prostitution.
Campaign Finances: The true, and only, measure of success by which members of the ruling class judge one another.
Campaign Finance Reform: The fox, guarding the henhouse.
Campaign Staff: Poorly compensated sycophants. Often receiving far less in wages than their chosen member of the ruling class campaigns on in regards to the minimum wage.
Campaign Volunteers: Sycophants whose skill level is so basic as to not rise to the level considered worthy of compensation
Candidate(s): Aspirants to the ruling class whose worthiness is not determined by the quality of their policy and ideas but by their connections to the current ruling class itself. Prostitutes by trade.
Example: Marty McVey, who was a fringe candidate for Houston Mayor (he received less than 1% of the vote) who was treated as a top-tier candidate by the Houston Chronicle (a main courtesan in Houston) simply because he knew, and was connected to via patronage by some members of the current ruling class.
Caucasian: "The" Man. Unless the Caucasian in question is a progressive, then they are not "The" Man but are a solution to a Minority Problem that has usually not yet been properly identified but for which "The" Man has identified a costly government solution.
Chris Bell: Perennial Candidate. (Some things never change)
Chris P. Brown: Further proof that qualification and success are outweighed in local politics by membership in TheMachine.
Chris Brown recently won election as Houston Controller over Bill Frazer despite his only qualifications being that a.) he has been around for a while, and was a member of the crew that caused the current fiscal mess and b.) he had a (D) behind his name.
Chris Tomlinson: Carpetbagger.
City Hall: Technically, a building in Downtown Houston which serves as the physical seat of power for municipal government. In reality, City Hall is a construct created by TheMachine which grants itself great power over the lives of citizens who have very little input, by design, regarding the decisions made surrounding their day to day lives.
Citizens: But for them, the ruling class and courtesans would like Houston very much.
Cognitive Dissonance: Necessary for the application of political power. Without it the entire system crumbles.
Common Sense: A de-facto admission that one is not all that smart. Common sense is neither common, or containing much actual sense. Claiming to possess it is akin to claiming no special knowledge whatsoever.
Conservative: Antiquated phrase to describe a member of the political class whose proclivities in governance leaned toward a reduction in power of the ruling class. Now mainly used as a tool in the sale of prostitution by candidates who wish to join the ruling class but who with to hide that from the electorate. (See also: liberal)
Core, Inner: The most important area of the City of Houston. Mainly because there is a LOT of political money invested in it.
Courtesans: An ever-expanding group of people who derive their sense of self-worth from the attention, or lack thereof, they are paid by the ruling class.
The idea of the courtesan class extends far back into ancient times. Back then there were known as the "royal court" or, by a cruder name, prostitutes. While it's easy to use the more crude version of the name to describe these people in reality what they do is less honorable than the world's oldest profession. The Courtesan class, which includes lobbyists, socialites, media, party-bloggers and other political hangers-on, exists only as a reflection of the ruling class to which they have pledged fealty.
It is important to note that the courtesan class, in and of itself, wields no special, or inherent, powers but serves only to flatter the ruling class and provide a rubber stamp for their decisions. This is why the media, especially in modern times, rarely finds a political solution to a problem (either real or imagined) that they cannot support. It is why many party-bloggers move allegiances from politician to politician, depending on who has extended their hand most recently allowing them to kiss their ring.
It is the nature of the courtesans to seek favors, and to do this they are willing to throw their fellow citizens under the bus repeatedly, depending on how big the favor is. The courtesan class is very keen on citing experts to back up their opinion, repeatedly ignoring those who disagree with their chosen ruling class patron in often humorous displays of cognitive dissonance. Identification of the courtesan class can be difficult, if not impossible, given that they are often unaware that they themselves are members.
Critical Need: Anything, or anyone, that the ruling class believes can be leveraged to their advantage. Especially useful during campaign season.
Cycling: A mode of transportation, popular in the early 20th century, that has been revamped, given a good scrubbing by New Urbanists, removed from the modern realm of recreation and positioned as a key part of transportation planning. Not to be confused with actual transportation, or workable in 90% of Houston's weather patterns.
