As was the case last year, as we wind down a tumultuous 2015 it's time to take a look into the next year, drawing on our wisdom from the past, and consult the newly filled crystal pothole to see what the future has in store.
Last year at this time we mentioned the free-fall of oil and gas commodity prices and the fact that politicians, who had previously taken credit for Houston's economic boom largely as a result of them, were running for the blame-game exits in 2015. You can expect more of the same in 2016 as prices are predicted to continue their slump, and Houston runs deeper and deeper in debt.
So without further ado.....
Mayor Elect Sylvester Turner: 2015 was a big year for Turner, he finally won election for Houston Mayor and he put behind him those salacious scandals that hindered him in the past. Who knew that all he needed to do was get his wife to sign a letter rescinding her accusations and produce enough attack ads to finally get over the hump. Well played Mayor-Elect Turner.
Predictions for 2016: It's going to be a short-honeymoon period for Mr. Turner as he dives headlong into a projected $126 Million dollar budget shortfall. Given that he won't be able to get a charter amendment on the ballot until sometime in 2017 which would repeal the pillow-soft, voter-imposed revenue cap (allowing him to raise taxes) he's going to have to find savings elsewhere. Fortunately, for Turner, he's going to remember his statement in the general election that "we can't fix a pothole until we love one another" and will immediately remove any and all money from public works due to a city-wide deficiency in the love numerator. This will immediately free up Millions of dollars which Turner will give to his backers in the police, fire and municipal employees unions in the form of 'bonus' payments to pensions.
Turner's next act will be to suspend any and all funding to Kingwood and other majority-Caucasian districts because of their lack-of-love and racism in the election. The "racial divide" is going to become a central target in the Turner administration as he seeks to find ways to force majority-white districts to vote for him in the next election. Bob Stein will run a poll suggesting, incorrectly, that "Republican" voters support this initiative by a margin of 20-1.
Outgoing Mayor Annise Parker: 2015 ended on a down note for Paker, who spent all of her time either defending poorly-crafted ordinances or running around convincing everyone that she was a.) successful or b.) still popular.
Predictions for 2016: Parker has already moved to appoint her wife, and other political cronies, to TIRZ boards and other holders of the municipal purse-strings in 2016 suggesting that she's not quite ready to ride off onto the zero-expectation lecturing circuit quite yet. Parker's first act in 2016 is going to be a challenge to Jared Woodfill in open combat. One major factor making this not happen is her insistence that his hair be barred from inside the ring, or at ringside. Bob Stein will run a poll that states, mistakenly, that 67.2% of Houston's electorate is pulling for Parker to win.
While lecturing at Harvard, Annise will be seen, somewhat scandalously, sitting in on a class titled "Ordinance writing 101".
Sam Houston Race Park: Whether historical or not, terminal racing has sent shockwaves throughout the industry as a couple of politicians inside the Texas Legislature angle to kill it off once and for all.
Predictions for 2016: In a stunning move, SHRP announces that they are changing their name and will become Dan Patrick's Pleasure Palace in a last ditch effort to stave off closure. Unannounced will be their six-figure donation to Patrick's campaign fund. Having a sudden change of heart, King Dan will then announce his support for full Legislative Budget Board appropriations to all Texas race tracks including a 20% increase in funds for tracks who agree to rename all of their stakes races after him and his family. Bob Stein conducts a poll that says, mistakenly, that 78.6% of voters approve of this move.
Houston Media: Last year was an eventful year for Houston Media as Lisa Falkenberg finally landed in the right place at the right time and Houston Chronicle Viewpoints Editor leveraged his first chairmanship into the paper's first Pulitzer Prize.
Predictions for 2016: Now getting how this works, the Chronicle goes on an award run somewhat as their editors assume chairmanships for a variety of prizes. This leads new titles for writers such as the Mylanta Award for Excellence recipient John McClain, the Travel.com award for Stupendous Out-of-Town business writing winner Chris Tomlinson and the highly-coveted American Standard Award for bathroom reading for most of the other staffers at the Chronicle. Bob Stein will conduct a poll showing, incorrectly, that 85.5% of Houstonians value awards of this type.
Meanwhile, Chron.com will continue to show side-boob, it's numbers will keep dropping and everything that is not a listicle, or generated on an iMac using mapping software, will be moved behind the increasingly expensive firewall.
Elections: Now that 2015 is over, Houston will begin to look, eventually, at the elections for 2016. Given that more people, still, vote for American Idol than they do the Presidential election Ryan Secrest will be granted write-in candidate emeritus status.
Predictions for 2016: Given Texas move up the chain in the Presidential Primary calendar, Houstonians will increasingly be diagnosed with "robo-call fatigue". Not surprisingly, most of these calls will originate from candidate running not for President or Congress, but for the local Harris County Party Chairs. Republicans are going to have a dilemma on their hands when Jared Woodfill and his hair offer split endorsements. At some point in 2016, the Democrats are going to question whether this "entire election thing" is worth it at all, and propose selecting leadership through closed party meetings. Bob Stein will conduct a poll showing, in error, that 96% of Houstonians approve of this form of leadership selection. Chris Bell will file a lawsuit against it because, without a campaign, he gets lonely.
Sports: 2015, thankfully, saw the reemergence of the Houston Astros as contenders, the collapse of the Rockets as the same, and the Texans full acceptance of mediocrity.
Predictions for 2016: Not content with resting on the laurels of a playoff berth, the Texans decide to trade their 2nd, 3rd and 4th round draft picks for the next ten years (they're not doing much with them anyway, is the logic) to Cleveland for the rights to Josh McCown and select Christian Hackenberg in the 1st round which satisfies McNair's demands for a top-flight QB. The Texans then proceed to go 8-8 in 2016 playing 17 different quarterbacks (including, in one hilarious game, Vince Young) before missing the playoffs because the Colts fired Chuck Pagano and returned to respectability and the rise of the Jacksonville Jaguars.
The Astros will again make the playoffs, but will fall in the World Series to the Giants who will then apologize for being good in 2016 instead of 2015. The Astros will also announce, roof seating, which was inspired by the "bungee protest" of 2015 and includes climbing gear which allows high-paying patrons to be attached to the ceiling for a great view of the game.
The Rockets will decide, in 2016, that they've finally had enough of Dwight Howard and will trade him for two players who "don't really fit the traditional mold of either a 3 or a 4". This will leave James Howard with all of the shots he needs, and the team with no defense. In an NBA first the Rockets will surrender 200 points to the Golden State Warriors as Steph Curry pours in 110 points against the aforementioned Howard whose post-game interview will be limited to repeating the phrase: "Adidas money".
Bob Stein will conduct a poll grossly overstating that 5.2% of Houstonians actually care the Houston Dynamo exist.
Traffic: Typically listed as one of the more pressing issues in the Houston Area, traffic will become a key player in Houston's public debate.
Predictions for 2016: With funding for pothole repair eliminated, due to a lack of 'love' in Houston, Sylvester Turner will be reminded of the Sylvester Stallone/Dolly Parton flick "Rhinestone" where it was said that "Love, is a hurtin' thing". This will lead Turner to determine that Houstonians have not experienced enough hurt through bad roads to truly love. Because of that Turner will appoint Houston Tomorrow flack David Crossley as Houston's "Road Czar". Crossley's first act will be to announce the immediate conversion of 66.667% of traffic lanes to "bike, pedestrian and New Urbanist ONLY" lanes which will speed the commute of he and his friends, but will require 99.999% of Houstonians to leave for work the night before.
Anxious to see the results of his new "hurt to love" plan Mayor Turner will commission a poll by Bob Stein which will show, remarkably, that 99.999% of Houstonians (sample size, only those who use the new lanes plus one commuter in the Woodlands) support the new plan and think that Houston has "never been better".
Happy New Year y'all. Don't forget to vote. (until you can't that is).
