Houston, the Nation's undisputed leader in job growth since the recession, seems to thrive in spite of itself. Whether it's the unfriendly climate, horrible drivers, streets that closely resemble a moonscape or just a majority of citizens who choose to live in the suburbs the city seems to continually overcome what many consider are challenges to it's greatness.
The problem Houstonians, is you. That's right, you. Especially those of you who have the audacity to work in the regions largest industry for jobs. An industry that the Houston Chronicle's new leadership team has obviously decided is in need of some good old-fashioned journalistic review. That the review inevitably calls for increased regulation and stringent pollution controls that would, by necessity, kill this job growth is a feature not a bug.
Of course, any dissent from the established mantra that prosperity kills Gaia is treated as blasphemy, the idea that economic growth and conservation can co-exist is a heresy punished by banishment from Houston's political conversation.
The reason for this is pretty simple. Those of a "smart-growth" disposition truly feel that Houston's growth has become an undesirable thing, that hordes of working and middle-class, middle-management Suburanites are a detriment and not, as previously assumed, a boon to the economy. A Houston region of 6 Million is automatically viewed as worse than a Houston region of say 2 Million.
Of course, this growth would be OK were it of the approved type: Young, 20-something DINK's willing to shell out premium rents to live in what passes for luxury high-rises built on the foundation of former poor, predominantly minority, neighborhoods. Bonus points are given if you decide to renovate a bungalow that has fallen into disrepair. Those who want to live next to established enclaves of the, predominantly white, and wealthy? Your growth is not welcome here.
Over the years I've watched with some amusement the contortions of those obsessed with shoe-horning Houston's growth into acceptable parameters as they try to explain why some life choices are good and some are bad. The word 'unsustainable' gets thrown around, a lot, and it's typically used to heap disdain on lifestyle decisions that don't meet the approval of the unproductive class.
The problem with most of these arguments is that they center on the mistaken belief that there is moral superiority in choosing to live a.) without a car and b.) in a multi-family domicile without a yard. The idea that different housing choices are simply that does not compute with the new-urbanist set. As a matter of fact, it runs so counter to their moral code that they feel the need to chastise others for it (anonymously of course) in newspaper and blog comments. It's much easier to feel good about yourself if you have made the decision that everyone else is morally deficient in some way.
So, that's it then. In order to save Houston and allow her to achieve the greatness that many have planned for her a large portion of you must go away. There's no other option, I'm sorry about your kids and their (comparatively) good suburban schools but you're making HISD look bad and that just can't stand.
Fortunately, I've been thinking about this for about 10 minutes or so and I believe I have a solution. It's not a perfect solution by any means but I think it's the fairest way to cull the Houstonian herd and bring a little sanity back to our roads, schools, living condition.
Everyone who lives outside the Beltway and commutes to a location inside the Loop needs to immediately relocate, preferably to Beaumont. Aggies will be allowed to move to College Station, but SHSU graduates can't choose Huntsville, that would be too close. Of course, you also have the option of moving out of state entirely or to Austin, which opens up a bevvy of options for our progressive friends. The first ones out should be those in the oil and gas industry, you're not wanted anyway. However, because it gives good slide-show you are allowed to come back temporarily to the Offshore Technology Conference, but you have to stay in one of the Downtown hotels even though there's a good chance you'll get hit by the toy train or step in dog poo.
For those of you staying?
There are going to be new "luxury" apartments built downtown, we will discuss your relocation to those buildings soon. We will also discuss pet disposal at the time of your move because these buildings, understandably, will be pet-free zones. Your kids will be placed in the appropriate school and you will be given a 10% off coupon to help with your first bike purchase. All cars will be donated to the Art-car parade which will soon announce it's expansion from one day to an entire week. Attendance will be mandatory.
If you're unable to afford/find an apartment in one of Houston's new luxury spaces guess what?
I've also solved the problem of what to do with the Astrodome.
